I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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