And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
