I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
