Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
