im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
