I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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