Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
