Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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