She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I can't turn off my feet"
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
