Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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