I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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