I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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