I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
