My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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