I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Randomize
