actually, I'm a sock model
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
