she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
