You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
