I am spending my child support on dildos
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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