i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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