I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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