good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Randomize
