can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
