i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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