I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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