Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
