I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
