Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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