haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize