Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
