if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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