I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
