oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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