The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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