Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
