why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
