sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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