Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
