we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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