I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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