I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
