why didn't you poke me back
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
