I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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