Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
