god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
