my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
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