my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
