Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
