well I can't set my house on fire every night
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
