She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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