My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Someone came in the potted fern
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
