I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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