I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
